Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Very Thought of You?

"It's not you, it's the idea of you."

It's been said to me, and judging by it's appearance in pop culture, I'm guessing there is a good chance it's been said to (or by) you as well.  In my case, it was used to cushion a hit, probably to avoid an argument. It was offered as conciliatory, to say this breakup has nothing to do with me, per se, but some conceptual framework I was violating.

In some ways, I get it.  I represented a line to a past that wanted, even needed to be severed.  I was holding someone back.  And given my critical, even argumentative posture at the time, fueled with a certain clinginess, I can understand wanting to avoid setting off those mines.  But at the same time, I was extremely unsatisfyed by the "explanation."  It seemed avoidant, of more than just a confrontation with me.  Sometimes I wonder if she really knew why she ended the relationship, if the deeper reasons were hidden,  and "dangerous" to her.

I wonder if I will ever have a satisfying understanding of what went down, if I will ever know what was going through her head, and what "really happened."  And I wonder if those eight words ever tell the most important part of the story, or are satisfying, because even if it is the "idea of you", there is still the rest of you.

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